We are free and strong in spirit. Not averse to participate in racing, ready to lead a team of builders (and some of their own friends with a drill) and are investigated in elite varieties of alcohol. But in sex, we, as before, rarely take the initiative.
DASHA - THIS IS A DREAM
Why? Let's start with the most obvious: Dasha chest and legs. That is, CHEST LEGS (!!!) and (!!!). Next - the details. Dasha makes, like me, only three times as much. She travels a lot. She drives a big blue car so relaxed and confident that I want to write a laudatory ode to the girls behind the wheel. If my blanket in the hospital bandaged not a pink bow, and blue, I'd first got to Dasha in the queue. That is the first. Actually, all those who dressed as a baby-blue ribbons still nourish Dasha undying interest. But Dasha is Alex. She called me, when Alex came out to smoke, and quickly whispered: "Listen, I can not! And today, I'll do it! We know more than a decade. He saw me with a pimple on his nose and Daria Dontsova in his hands. I have nothing to fear! But I still can not itself offer him sex. We have just seen this movie! Under such a lamb with wine! And so it went, and I ... wait, that he ... "The monologue was cut short on the most interesting place, but to cope with indignation I could not. Why Dasha, whose legs, chest, machine intelligence, humor and everything else that fits over so well to me, but the fates decreed got it, why is it silent? I would be in her place ... What appeared a great excuse to seek public opinion. The results were surprising. It turns out Dasha is no exception. Rather, the exception - it's me. Because I - it's Dasha vice versa. Ashad. I have never hesitated to take the initiative. In life - in general, and sex - in particular. I took the initiative as an indirect (hints, provocation, talking around and around), and plain text. There have been a lucky shot, were in "milk". Some calls back, the other - no, the third I was not going to give myself a second chance ... Once I got into the top ten: the first offered his then-not-yet-husband (week of correspondence on a dating site, plus three visits) for the move to the next stage of candy and bouquets of . Not-yet-husband was brave: not rolled head over heels down the stairs, not broken glasses. Still, excitement, gave decidedly: "I ... you know ... It's not time." And retreated into the night. True, the sex will still happen. A day later. Since we're together. Five years. But it's not about me but about Dasha. And on at once joined the Dasha of my girlfriends, who confirmed that all it is. If we bring the sex menu, we have it with curiosity and pleasure are studying. And if you do not bring, in nine cases out of ten we will not occur to him to ask.
WHAT WE afraid
I collected the most common fears that commented Dmitry Zapolsky, PhD, sex therapist and consultant, an expert on female sexuality and techniques to achieve female orgasm. So we feel free to suggest sex ...
... A man who had not consented to be bound
"No way, not come to a colleague, friend, the guy from the club. But sometimes these men themselves take the initiative, so some extra. "
? (Marina, 27)
"Perhaps the Marina does not consider himself worthy of happiness, and therefore afraid to say directly about their desires. Maybe she subconsciously finds sex dirty and if the initiative comes not from her, she is clean. This is called "delegation of responsibility."
"I'm embarrassed to be bold, yet remained a virgin. But after the first time do not hesitate at all "?
(Natasha, 25)
"Natasha has achieved harmony with herself, she - equal partners in relationships with men. This may scare off a man who himself used to be a leader, but the world is that man can not always separate the erotic message, addressed personally to him from the sexual background of the TV, from the pages of magazines, from an unknown woman on the street. And the sacramental "Honey, why do not we drink wine at my house?" - Did not seize the initiative, but simply a sensible signal, which is sure to be heard. "
... Its a young man
"I know that he should understand me. But embarrassed, though, and realize: I certainly deprive not only yourself but it "?
(Masha, 21)
"It probably is. So, it is necessary to deal with shyness - "for himself and for the guy." Perhaps the only partner it and waits. "
... Their future young man
"I refrained from making direct offers to the man with whom we have just evolved a romantic relationship. I knew it was a big risk for the senses, which wanted to keep. "?
(Olya, 29)
"Psychologists call these things a projection. Most likely, Olga projected, suffered by this man their complexes. There is a notion of "intimofobiya" - fear of intimacy. Often it is based on another layer of fear - fear of being inconsistent in my bed and the fear of losing their "protection." Olya as it is written on his forehead: "I'm not so ... not dissolved."
... Husband
"Secretly, I fear give birth to role-play in bed, but to give her husband something like," Come on, I'll call you Darth Vader, and you did rebel prisoner, "I can not. I'm sure - he will support me. But it is not ready - and everything. "
? (Anya 26)
"Try to be more daring: a matrimonial bedroom, there are no restrictions, if the experiments do not harm health. An understanding of this comes with age and experience. But if the constraint takes precedence over the desires, there is a great way - not to speak, and write notes to each other. And put them in the hollow of an old oak tree in the park ... well, at least under the pillow! The main thing that the "prose" of family life, no, no yes and was sparkling rhyme novelty.
WHAT THEY THINK?
They - are men. Their opinions range from "I am delighted, if a woman initiates sex" to "Z for modesty." I think the past is not entirely sincere - may want to look more brutal than it is, or have not yet met a woman who turned their presentation. And I do not know what to do you tonight. But if you first take his hand, teasing beautiful neck, "accidentally" prikornesh on his knees, sigh, you're alone and nobody understood, then the proposed instead to feed your fish (cook gazpacho, listen to jazz, to meet the dawn), I I will consider my mission accomplished. No, no one knows the outcome. Nevertheless, I am absolutely sure that it is better to do and regret than not to do and regret. I, who once suggested to his not-yet-husband away with candy and bouquets in favor of more urgent. "In my medical experience I have never encountered a situation where she would offer her man sex, but he began to treat her worse, - says Dmitry Zapolsky. - Although admitting that such men are in the world. But, obviously, they and their friends to sexologists are not traded. And how to solve their problems of an intimate nature, and decide whether - the science is unknown. "
AND AGAIN about Dasha
Dasha is still made. And then again. And more. When I finished writing an article she sent me a letter: "I finally got it, I hesitated, historically, fearing that he or fails, or" descend "to me. Everything was from my complexes and of those men who these complexes once cultivated in me. Alex long to cure my fear of his tenderness and care. So, your desires, I hid all this time ... by inertia! All the inertia of the past, now all in the past. Loesche and love it. His is exciting. Our life was happy and fulfilling. And in the bedroom. And out of it. "?
Experienced women
"After my 25 years I suddenly realized: what we girls worse than men? Why they can, but we can not? And from the stiffness was gone. "
? (Alia, 29)
"I realized the root problem - a lack of love for yourself. So I decided to love myself. And in the mood for that person who is ready to accept new ideas, I can open. I myself like me brave. "?
(Svetlana, 23)
"I noticed that shyness is manifested with the" unnatural "person. Sexuality "chlopyvaetsya" all annoying. Well, with such a partner initiative and is not needed, as well as himself sex. As soon as I can see that people "own", the barriers are crumbling themselves. " ?
(Alina, 30)
"I ceased to be troubled with age, and immediately realized how much I missed! I'm not one of those people who catches the train has left - and right. But life would have turned out differently if I had been braver. "
? (Nina, 36)
"I no longer hesitate when I suddenly realized that men are afraid to even more!"?
(Julia, 24)
ON ITEMS
MARIA Rasbash, coach
Center for Positive Psychology
Alexander Sviyash:
"Rejecting the initiative, you are depriving yourself of pleasure. Why do we shy away from sex to provoke? There can be several.
Internal installation at the genetic level sex taboo topic as it was for many centuries.
HOW TO WORK WITH IT: breaking installation consciously! Gradually learn to signal its desire to partner - and you will see that this is not a shame and even sexy - deliberately violating a taboo, you'll want to play it again and again.
Doubts about the appeal you are not confident, but you have plenty of painful experiences (betrayal, a feeling of rejection), and it can not take the initiative in sex.
HOW TO WORK WITH THIS: let the past get rid of his negative assessment, begin to treat it as a set of facts that have occurred, but were left behind. Here can help psychotherapy. Along the way, find out what it strengthens your self-esteem. Shopping? Sport? Massage? Now go and entertain that.
"Not the kind of situation," Sometimes in order to initiate sex and get it, you need a special atmosphere (romantic evening picnic, lack of friends and liabilities), and sometimes to "turn a horse" is not enough trust and understanding.
HOW TO WORK WITH THIS: create the situation itself. Hint that you desire to attend the concert, the famous saxophonist, prepare dinner with aphrodisiacs, buy new clothes ... and do not be silent! Sometimes, to overcome the barrier and show a sense of enough public discussion.
Fear of fear of condemnation, openness of their sexual fantasies.
HOW TO WORK WITH IT: A joint campaign in a sex shop, read articles or books, watching movies - you can use any new experiences that will help you get on the right path and find out in advance the ratio of partners to experiment
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